Mixture

Today is a good day. I woke up in a good mood at 10:00 this morning and had breakfast with my family and we are having our typical Football Sunday.

I was looking at my Facebook page earlier today and received a painful reminder. Now I am attempting to feel the painful feelings in order to give them some recognition and then let them go. Forgive myself and the other person involved.

I miss someone whom has been hurt by me and I have been hurt by her in turn.

I've gone through, and still go through a range of emotions regarding my (lack of a) relationship with her and today I am sad.

Her name is Erin. She used to be married to my husband and was my good friend, confidant, and band mate for a long time. We had a falling out three years ago (I can't believe it's been that long) and we haven't spoken since. There have been many e-mails between us but nothing good.

I attempted to confront some things that were going on and my feelings surrounding them. Mainly that she was systematically cutting everyone out of her life because of a man that she has a relationship with; and then saying that she felt isolated by her friends because we didn't want to be around this guy. Apparently that was a big mistake.

There is also an issue of money that we owe her for watching our kids. Still. Part of me wants to send her whatever money we can so that I can let go of all of this but, at the same time, I still feel that she has a part in the fiasco that resulted in DSHS not paying for the services. And I want her to own up to that.

Without going into boring detail about this situation, I will just say that our friendship is over and that makes me sad. Although she has been quite selfish in our relationship, I miss her smile, her laugh, her silliness.

Most of my other friends remind me often that it really is for the best. That her selfishness has brought an end to several of her friendships. But it doesn't hurt any less. An organic, sort of moving away from tight friendship would have been preferred.

Maybe I'll send her a Christmas card with some money in it. See if that helps me to let go and get over it. Find the forgiveness I need so badly.