Spring?

I wish it was spring...

However, this is what my house looks like this morning. It isn't a ton of snow but it's treacherous.


This is what the driveway looks like. When I drove into the garage (next pic) I almost crashed into the house.

I'm really actually pretty upset about it.

We didn't get to have Thanksgiving dinner with my mom and siblings like we planned because my mom was in the hospital so we planned to do it at our house tomorrow (March 30). That apparently has to be canceled. I don't feel comfortable having everyone drive out here when conditions are so bad.

Damn.

Smiling

I am watching Discovery Health right now, a story about a model who is pregnant with her first child. I was ecstatic to see them include (DHC) the part about the couple choosing to have a doula, and even more so when I heard that the mom-to-be was given the best possible gift from her own mother...

Her mother told her that giving birth was the best experience she'd ever had.

Teenagers...

I've been sick the last few days. Ugh. I'm tired, cranky, and I don't feel good. I couldn't sleep last night until I downed a nice amount of NyQuil.

Gross.

Today I stayed home from work and slept mostly, but this evening I've been treated to some arguing and angst from my wonderful teenager.

Shit.

I've tried very hard since he returned home from rehab three weeks ago to maintain a balance in giving him the freedoms he deserves while keeping a hawk's eye on his activities. I've been pretty clear with my feelings about him hanging out with the friends that he used to get into trouble with and tried to encourage him to form new friendships with people who don't drink or use drugs. He has tried and tried to push those boundaries, much to my dismay. I have come to a point where I dread the words..."I know you're probably not going to like this, but how would you feel if I..."

And I hear these words every. single. day.

He has one friend in particular that he has practically been obsessing about--the one that he got into the most trouble with (they once got picked up in a hobo camp under a bridge in Everett after running away). He has asked me day in and day out if I would be OK with him contacting this kid and I have repeatedly told him no.

Fast forward to last Friday. I had an awesome conversation with one of my bosses about the power of letting go and that no matter how much babying I do now, the kid is seventeen years old and has to be allowed to make his own mistakes and enjoy his own successes.

*Nothing I do now will give us back those years that I was not his mother*

Not even holding him hostage in our house. I think somehow I thought that, if he had the things here that he enjoys, he wouldn't seek out those old friends.

OK, so Saturday our in-home couseling session went well and I spoke up about the letting go. Well, I swear he took that and ran with it. Despite my best efforts, he decided that he was just going to go ahead and call his friend--yes, the one he used to get into trouble with.

Yesterday I spoke with him about it. He insisted that it was what he really wanted to do and that he was just trying to be honest with me about it. I explained to him that, doing something that he knows I strongly disapprove of and then being honest about it later doesn't change the fact that he blatantly went against something that I explicitly said no to.

Today he went and hung out with that friend.

Did he get high? I doubt it.

Is this opening a can of worms I don't feel ready to deal with? Definitely.

Anyway, he came home late (we knew he would be late because he had to take the bus) and was acting weird. When I went to talk to him about it he layed there on his bed with a smug grin on his face like he doesn't give a shit how I feel. He says he cares. But his actions tell me he doesn't.

So here I am...in this place I never expected to be (with this particular kid). I'm confused, hurt, and afraid of what's to come. I almost feel like, if he relapses, then it's my failure. It will be because I failed him. It will be because I didn't keep him close enough and watch over him.

But on the other hand, I know I have to let go. I can't take responsibility for his successes or failures. I can only stand close by and support him.

Fuck.

Good Friends, Good Food; New Friends, New Food

Today I put into action an idea that's been brewing for some time. My friend Iris and I created a blog to connect people and food. I'm not going to go into detail about it here because I want to save all my food mojo for a new posting on the new blog.

But please go check it out.

www.communitycooking.blogspot.com

We are asking everyone to send in submissions and like us if you're so inclined. We'd like to connect as many people as possible so that we can all learn new ways of appreciating food.

Peace out!

Eight Days In

My son, Zackary James, has been home from treatment for eight days. The first few days were difficult at best.

He had some very distinct ideas about what he was expecting and was very upset when things were cast in a different light. He spent a couple of days with my dad last week doing work on the ranch. His friend came and spent the night Friday night, went to visit another friend on Sunday and then we made a schedule of expectations and a timeline for them. I bought him a GED book and let him know that I did, indeed expect him to study it.

That pissed him off.

However, after the initial few days worth of fighting multiple times a day, we've come to a place where we understand each other and what we expect. My son has grown leaps and bounds and continues to amaze me with his level of maturity (it's 10-fold what it was when I dropped him off at the center on November 27).

I am so proud that he came from my body.

Tag

I've been tagged again (Thanks, Morag!) and this time the subject is in the form of a Memo to My 15-Year-Old Self.

Let's begin.

First, let's talk about the addictions brewing.

Junk food is not good for you. It's rotting your teeth and making you gain weight. You get one set of permanent teeth and if you keep eating so much sugar, especially with your teeth-brushing habits, you're going to lose some teeth. And it's so much easier to start out maintaining your figure instead of trying to go back and lose a whole bunch of weight. It's a strong addiction, but if you just stop for a few days it'll be easier to manage...I promise.

Why did you start smoking? Remember when you begged your dad to stop smoking just a few years ago. He did it. Why did you start? You're going to have your ups and downs with it but just remember that you always have a choice.

You don't know it yet, but you're going to be a mom in about a year. Be good to that boy-child. His dad's not going to be around--get used to it now. Even when he's older, his dad's going to be MIA. And when that baby is taken away from you and subsequently adopted by your aunt and uncle, try to do a good job of visiting him. Just because he's not legally your son anymore doesn't mean he doesn't know you. It's in his DNA and he's going to need you.

Stop sneaking out of the damn house to hang out with a bunch of stupid guys that don't really give a shit about you! In 15 years, when you see them on the street, they're not even going to remember you! And stop being such a bitch to your mom. She's tired, she works all the time and she deserves to go out when she feels like it. She's had a difficult life. Let her have some peace!

Lastly, you effing rock. You have cool hair, cool t-shirts (that your mom bought for you!) and a whole mess of awesome heavy metal cassettes. You are the epitome of the late eighties. And you're gorgeous--too bad for the stupid boys who don't notice.

Be good to yourself, girl. It all goes so fast.


I tag Addie, Iris, and Saralee.