Mom, Mommy, Mother, Mama

I love this picture. That's me playing my bass. I love the feel of it in my hands...

I never realized how cold 69 degrees could feel. I just can't get warm today.

I'm home sick with Jeremyah today. He had a sore throat and a fever this morning so I took the day off from work and have been browsing the Internet for various things.

I heard about a contest a while back, put on by a new (?) magazine called Mindful Mama. The contest involves writing an essay about what you think it means to be a mindful mama. The grand prize winner gets to go see Ani DiFranco in New York. That sounds awesome to me but will I be able to get up the gumption to write the essay?! I constantly have thoughts swirling around in my head and if I took the time to write them down I'd probably have a library of books. My strategy for this essay? Take the one-line thoughts about mothering and write them down. Elaborate later. See, my problem is that I get caught up in the details. Instead of just putting down the thought to edit later, I look at each sentence and want to find just the right combination of words. I need to get over that. It's not like I have to write it all down by hand.

So, I took a peek at what a friend of mine wrote for her essay and was blown away. But then, it is Iris, and she never ceases to amaze me. That's why there's a quote from her in my signature on my Gmail account. When I went to the website to view Iris' essay, I found an awesome website that just might be the forum I've been looking for. In fact, I've already connected with a mom on the east coast who also has a troubled teen. Like I told her in an e-mail, despite the awesome support system I have, no one can really relate to having a teenager in distress unless they have one also. And, since I don't have any friends who are experiencing this, it's hard to find someone to talk to who truly understands.

Yes, Zack is continuing to make poor choices. He just spent 30 days in juvenile detention and is now in a group home, which is similar to rehab in that he has limited contact with the outside world and has to attend groups and whatnot. However, he still hangs out with all of his street friends. Now, I have nothing against people on the street. I was there once and I help whenever possible. I do, however, have a problem with the fact that Zack's friends supply him with drugs and alcohol. Those are two things the boy just doesn't need.

Then there's this issue with his girlfriend. I'm not sure what to think. They were together for about three weeks before he went to jail and didn't see each other for six weeks. About two weeks in to his jail time he told the social worker that his girlfriend was pregnant. I know how to get in touch with the GF via MySpace and so I asked her for confirmation of the pregnancy. She said she was, indeed, pregnant and that it was Zack's. A week later she called me and told me that she miscarried twins. Then she went on to tell me that she had a D&C and the doctor told her she likely has gall stones and that was what caused the miscarriage.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but it's pretty likely that she wouldn't have missed a period until about two weeks after conception and probably not taken a test until she was at least a week late. So, assuming she got pregnant the very first time they had sex, she would have been about five weeks pregnant when she miscarried.

My feeling is that she may not have been pregnant in the first place but if she was, it likely wasn't Zack's kid. Apparently she told him that she was pregnant before she met him but was hit by a car and miscarried. Although this is plausible, I have serious doubts. She seems to have a propensity toward drama and she admitted to Zack that she has cheated with at least two guys. I really don't know what to think. I would feel terrible saying these things if she truly did have a miscarriage because no one should have to go through that, but I am overwhelmed by doubt and joy that Zack is not going to be a father. Yet.

Go check out www.mindfulmama.com
It's pretty cool.